diary

*apprehensibility* · 08/12/2009

“Question is, does one love for fear of being
lonely, or is one but lonely for fear of loving?”




  1. Neither.
    One does not “love for” , nor can he be “lonely for”.
    -“Love consists in this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet eachother”.
    -“To fear love is to fear life…”.

    To me love has nothing to do with fear or loneliness. I’ll explain tonight when I’m enough alone :-).


    Tanja    08/12/2009    #
  2. “La tentative de l’impossible”:

    I have been terribly afraid of death, not because we don’t know what comes after, I like the unknown out of curiosity, but because it may be the end. I was fully aware of the presence of death, almost every moment that I was awake during many years. It made me live very fastly and greedy to experience each and every emotion as intensely as possible. I loved, hurt, abandoned and was hurt.
    If at the age of 30 one’s heart hasn’t been broken at least once, it might be of stone. Even if it hurts, even for a sometimes very melancholic woman like me, it feels good to be alive, one will be dead soon enough.
    So how can one fear loving (fear life)? And how can one love “for” something? It is a feeling roused by the very “being” of the other, and in case the other is a true soulmate, we might indeed feel less lonely.
    But again, one should not fear loneliness. Most people loving or in love with eachother are not soulmates, yet they truly love. I can feel lonely in the arms of my beloved one, or surrounded by my best friends, everytime I realize we are not “one” and will never be. Walking in a dark wood all alone at 2 a.m. suddenly aware of the (very few) soulmates I have, I don’t feel lonely. In my experience (aye!) deadly terror vanishes if you face it long enough. One has to expose oneself to one’s fear or anxiety (without taking silly risks) until one gets PAST it. Except if you enjoy the fear (I don’t).

    It was stunning to read this “Question is, ...” because it’s a topic my friends and me discussed so many times in the past decade. Most of my friends agreed (till some extent) with the idea of loving for fear of being lonely… to my astonishment. I had too much courage, they said.

    “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear”.

    I don’t feel lonely when in some transcendental moments the boundaries of individuality disappear. I mean in a state of flow. This MAY happen while making love, making music or any other art and it’s wonderful indeed.
    I also don’t feel lonely aware of the presence of a soulmate far away. To me a soulmate is someone you recognize at first glance, though he – always he! – might have a quite different social background, looks, behavior, other opinions or idea’s. Someone you feel connected to on a very deep level, and this THROUGH ALL THE LIVES YOU LIVE. An ancient ally.


    Tanja    11/12/2009    #